My Life Now

It's been a while since I posted anything on this blog.  After I gave birth to my son and took on my new role of motherhood, I would get a bit overwhelmed thinking about when I'd have time to post something so I kind of put it on the back burner.  More importantly, my old friend anxiety took over and I started thinking about how I might regret posting pics of my son online along with all of my personal business.  I've relaxed a bit in that sense, but only because I now have more important things to be anxious about, lol.  For example, how do you keep a two year old boy from wanting to jump off of EVERYTHING?!?

My life now is full of little giggles, hugs and kisses from small arms and lips, singing silly songs, funny voices, adventure, anxiety, cartoon filled mornings, juice filled cups, and most of all LOVE!  Did I mention anxiety??  Who knew that my anxiety could reach the levels that it has?! I think that happens when you're completely responsible for another life other than your own.  But love definitely trumps it all.  If I ever thought that my heart was filled with love before, I was completely wrong.  There is no other way to describe it other than my heart wants to explode from all of the love that I feel for this little boy.  If I sit and think about how much I love him, tears of joy and happiness automatically start running.  *Sigh*  Queue the waterworks...

I still have the same thoughts as before...will I be a good enough mother for him?  Will I be able to raise this small, determined little boy, into a respectful, loving man?  Will having no father to look up to be detrimental to his upbringing?  I don't have the answers to any of those questions.  I hope that doing my best is good enough, but only time will tell.  Some days I let go of my anxiety and live in the moment as best as I can, and some days I let it get to me and practically drown in my fears.  One of the best things about having this little man in my life is that I have a constant life preserver now.  Anytime I feel like my head is getting in the way, all I have to do is lay eyes on him and I instantly come back down to earth.  He's truly been my miracle...my savior...my angel.

Shhh...Bean is sleeping!

So, here is another quick post while Bean is asleep.  The last couple of days we've been dealing with gas!  Now, my son was born passing gas.  So I guess I'm surprised that its become a problem because he's always been good at getting it out, lol.  He's been known to blow bubbles in his bath, and even scare himself awake out of deep sleep!  I don't know who he gets it from...definitely not me! lol.  Anyway, he had a 3 hour episode yesterday.  I was home alone, and it was HORRIBLE to hear him crying...no, screaming...at the top of his little lungs and not be able to do anything about it.  At one point I had to put him down and walk away to do a little crying myself.  Not for long though, because I hated the thought of him thinking that I just left him while he was in pain, so I sucked it up and went back to try and soothe him.  He eventually burped, and my best friend came over also and was able to take over for a bit to give me a break.  It was great because by the time she left, he was knocked out!  My mom also came home from work a little early because she hated to think of him crying like that.  Bean is so LOVED!!

For other moms out there, here are a few tips for dealing with a gassy baby:

1. Gas drops; The more popular one is called Mylicon but I have yet to find them it in the stores.  So I've tried Little Tummy's and the Walgreen's version.  Next will be the Target version.  They all seem to be the same, and are used by either adding them to the baby's formula or directly into their mouth.  I add them to all of Bean's bottles and during his episode yesterday he got it straight into his mouth.  He burped within 20 mins or so.  That was great, but since he gets it in every bottle, I wonder why there is gas in the first place..???

2. Warm wash cloth on the tummy; I've tried this and it does help.  The only thing I don't like is that it only helps as long as the towel is warm, which is for maybe a couple of minutes.  What you do is warm up a wash cloth in the microwave for 20-30 seconds.  Make sure its not too hot though, you don't want to burn the baby!

3. Sugar water; I have not tried this, but it was suggested to me by a friend.  I think you just mix a little sugar with an ounce or two of water.  Has anyone else tried this?

4. Chamomile tea;  Now, when my mom first told me to give him a little tea in his bottles, I was against it.  She eventually convinced me and he gets a little tea mixed in with his formula.  As a mix in, I wasn't noticing if it worked or not.  He occasionally still had gas problems, and it didn't prevent the big episodes.  But...given to him by itself, it does bring on some big burps!  So right now, I think this is my favorite.

Ok, I can here him moving around more so he will probably be up soon.  I will TRY to post again soon!  Until then, enjoy this picture of Bean...lol.

Bean - 1 month old

I know its been FOREVER!!

Im sorry this took so long, but its been hectic around here!  Unfortunately, I will probably not be able to give you the whole story because someone will be up soon...lol.

I had the baby!!  My son Bean was born on August 20th and weighed 8 lbs, 4 oz!  I ended up having to have a c-section because I stopped dilating at 8 cm's after being induced the day before.  I hate that I had a c-section though...I thought that it would be better for my girl parts, lol, but the recovery has been horrible! I opened up some of my stitches and have still not healed so the Dr will not clear me to drive.  Which means, we are stuck at home...

Anyway, I can hear him waking up so I better go.  I hope at some point I will get in a routine and have some free time, but so far that hasnt happened, lol.

Bean and I at the hospital

Beanie Boy

Bean and his cousin Monkey

As you can see, he was born with a full head of hair!

40 Weeks!!

Ok, so I never thought that I'd actually make it all the way to my due date!!  I don't think anyone did, lol.  The most common comment I got during these last few months was that Bean was not going to wait because he was looking like a big boy, lol.  Well...this big boy is just getting bigger, and not budging! My doctors appointment today had no new results.  I am still not dilating, and everything is still closed for business, lol.  Bean hasn't even officially dropped!  What is he waiting for???  Ugh...I said I wanted him to come on his own time, so I guess that's whats he's doing.  I just thought that he'd be here by the due date at least.  Anyway, the good news is he is still doing good in there, and that's all that really matters.  Healthy baby = Happy mom!

The doctor wants me to go in on Friday to make sure the baby is still doing ok.  She mentioned something about doing a stress test and seeing if I have shown any progress in the dilating part.  If not, then we'll wait till next week to induce.  They don't want to induce too early if I haven't started dilating at all because we run the risk of starting a process that my body cant finish on its own....which then has a higher chance of leading to a C-Section, that I am trying to avoid.  So, if I haven't started the process on my own by this weekend, we'll induce next week and hope for the best.

For now, I just have to wait.  And honestly, I think I would be ok with the waiting if everyone wasn't so anxious around me! lol  Its a bitter sweet feeling, because on the one hand I LOVE that there are so many people that are excited to meet and love him!  But it does tend to put a little pressure on me too. Not as much as my mom though...she's just so anxious and nervous, I think she makes it hardest for me.  Someone told her a story that I guess scared her, so now she feels like the more he stays in there, the more there is a chance of something going wrong.  And being pregnant, your already worried about what can happen.  You don't need reminders everyday....anyway, hopefully after hearing from the doctor that everything is ok, she will calm down.

Time to go...this carpal tunnel is kicking in, lol.

Still Waiting!

Hello!  I haven't been blogging as much lately because I usually cannot stand to sit in front of my lap top after a long day at work...in front of a computer, lol.  But I wanted to give everyone a quick update!  My usual Tuesday check up produced the usual results...Bean is not ready!  I am still not dilating, and my cervix is still closed.  I am ok with that for now, but I am getting nervous that he is going to go past his due date.  And that I do not want!  I will try to be as patient as I can be, but its getting harder to get around with this big belly!  This will be my last week at work though, and I also do not want to waste too much of my leave time waiting around.  I wanted to work till the very end, but its getting way too hard.  I am exhausted all the time, and stressing over my work load.  That is not the way I want to bring Bean into the world!  So maybe once I go on leave, I can concentrate on Bean a little more, and get some walking in.  And hopefully a few naps in between!

Countdown to Sprouting Bean....7 days!  (Hopefully, lol)

Look what I found!!

Ok, so this post will not be very long.  My feet are HUGE, and I need to get back to my recliner before they explode, lol.   I had an ultrasound today, and Bean looked great!  Since he's pretty big now, it was hard to get a clear pic of his face, but I caught a glimpse, and he was beautiful <3.  He was opening and closing his mouth, probably because he had hiccups, lol.  The ultrasound tech said he may be about 9 lbs if he goes all the way to my due date...oh boy!  Of course, they are often wrong, so there's really no way to know for sure till he's here.  I had my 37 week check up also, and I am still not dilating.  I'm completely fine with that, because I want him in there as long as he needs to be.  He will be ready when he's ready....no rush.  :)

Back to what this post was really suppose to be about...look at what I found at Target in between my appointments!

Blue soft fabric high tops for $3
"Star of Mommy's Blog" bib for $.58!!

The high tops were originally $19.99, so that was a huge save.  Especially since I hear that baby clothes/shoes do not last long.   The bib was originally $2.37, but I would have probably paid 4x's that to get it!!  Isn't it perfect?!?!  I cant wait till my little star gets to wear it!  <3

Are you ready??

I've been getting this question almost everyday from different people.  Are you ready??  And my answer always surprises them....no.  Am I suppose to be ready now??  I guess if they were more specific, then maybe my answer would change.  Maybe I should explain...

If you asked me, am I ready to meet my son, the answer would be YES!!  If you asked me if I was ready to go on leave and spend 3 months with him?  Hell YES!  But, when they ask, I feel as if its a question of...Are you ready for taking on the most important and difficult role of your life???  Well, the answer is NO!  Are you ready to change your whole life around for this one little person??  Well...I'd probably say yes to that one, with only a few reservations, lol.  Either way though, I have a lot of mixed feelings right now.  I'm soooo excited to meet my son, and see what he looks like and what his personality will be like.  I imagine it's like meeting the love of your life for the first time....who wouldn't be excited?  I'm also excited to finally feel like I belong to someone who needs me...like I matter.  I know that sounds sad and depressing, but its how I feel.  I'm sure if you know me personally, you understand.  

So, how do I mentally prepare for this?  How do I get myself ready for the most important role of my life???  I have NO idea....I just keep hoping that one day I will feel ready to take it on.  Don't get me wrong, I want to take this role on!  I've been waiting for this for the last 12 years or so.  I've thought about why I wasn't scared when I was trying to get pregnant while I was married.  I guess knowing there is someone there with you helps you feel a bit more secure.  Like you can both handle anything that comes your way.  But being a single parent, you feel like all the pressure is on you, and you alone.  I guess I'm just scared...scared of failing him.  I'm scared of letting him down, and not being enough for him.  I want to be the best mom I can be, and I'm scared he will see through me.  I want to be strong for him, and give him what he needs.  I want to be there for him no matter what, and always put him first.  I want to make sure that he always knows that he is loved and that he matters.  I guess I will just have to take it one step at a time, and try to do my best.   I just hope my best is enough...

For now, he will have ALL my love....