My Life Now

It's been a while since I posted anything on this blog.  After I gave birth to my son and took on my new role of motherhood, I would get a bit overwhelmed thinking about when I'd have time to post something so I kind of put it on the back burner.  More importantly, my old friend anxiety took over and I started thinking about how I might regret posting pics of my son online along with all of my personal business.  I've relaxed a bit in that sense, but only because I now have more important things to be anxious about, lol.  For example, how do you keep a two year old boy from wanting to jump off of EVERYTHING?!?

My life now is full of little giggles, hugs and kisses from small arms and lips, singing silly songs, funny voices, adventure, anxiety, cartoon filled mornings, juice filled cups, and most of all LOVE!  Did I mention anxiety??  Who knew that my anxiety could reach the levels that it has?! I think that happens when you're completely responsible for another life other than your own.  But love definitely trumps it all.  If I ever thought that my heart was filled with love before, I was completely wrong.  There is no other way to describe it other than my heart wants to explode from all of the love that I feel for this little boy.  If I sit and think about how much I love him, tears of joy and happiness automatically start running.  *Sigh*  Queue the waterworks...

I still have the same thoughts as before...will I be a good enough mother for him?  Will I be able to raise this small, determined little boy, into a respectful, loving man?  Will having no father to look up to be detrimental to his upbringing?  I don't have the answers to any of those questions.  I hope that doing my best is good enough, but only time will tell.  Some days I let go of my anxiety and live in the moment as best as I can, and some days I let it get to me and practically drown in my fears.  One of the best things about having this little man in my life is that I have a constant life preserver now.  Anytime I feel like my head is getting in the way, all I have to do is lay eyes on him and I instantly come back down to earth.  He's truly been my miracle...my savior...my angel.

Feeling fat...part II

I was trying to get past those feelings of feeling fat and yucky.  I kept telling myself that I'm carrying a baby...I have LIFE growing inside of me, and what could be more beautiful than that!?!?!  Who cares that I've gained a few extra pounds of fluff??  I was doing ok with that until I decided to go out and look for an outfit for my upcoming baby shower(s).  All of the maternity clothes that I bought at the beginning were plain...nothing really cute.  I was just happy that I found some clothes that I could wear, since I wasn't sure that there would be a plus size maternity section to begin with.  Now that I want something cute for my baby shower, I'm stuck.  I went to several stores and found nothing!  Either they don't carry plus size maternity, or if they do, they have very little to choose from.  Don't they know that every woman, whether big or small, wants to look cute!?!?  Just because I'm bigger than average, doesn't mean that I don't want to feel pretty too!  I guess I should be use to having limited selections in clothing...

Ok...enough ranting...time to go get ready for a day with my Monkey!  (For those that don't know who that is, its Bean's older cousin...they'll be about 9 months apart when Bean is born.)

Worrying is kinda my thing...

I try not to worry...I try to let things go, and just hope for the best.  But sometimes that doesn't work.  I know that worrying and stress aren't good for Bean.  In fact, all my worrying makes me worry about what I'm doing to him in there!  Anyway, I know that once I have him...once he's in my arms and I'm in charge of his little life, the worrying is going to really take off.  So, to any parents out there who were worriers before they had children, how do you manage to keep your sanity through parenthood?  Does it get any easier over the years, or will there always be something to worry about??  I always thought that I'd have my husband there to help keep me sane...to keep me from driving our kids crazy, lol.  Oh well...guess I need to figure this out on my own.

I think instead of sitting here worrying, I'm going to take Bean for a drive...grandma is working, so we'll have some time alone. :)