Monday, June 20, 2011

This past Saturday was my baby shower, and it was BEAUTIFUL!!  First, I want to thank my best friend Nikki and my Mom for putting it together...they did a great job!

I'm still in shock actually...I remember stopping at one point and looking around at everyone that was there and thinking...this is MY baby shower...this is for me and MY baby!  They came for US!  I gave up hope so long ago, thinking that I'd never have a baby...that I'd never be the one having the baby shower.  I think that's part of the reason I was so worried about who would actually show up.  It just seemed so unreal.  But, most of my friends and family were there...almost everyone that I love.  Anyway, it was great....Bean got a lot of gifts!!

Everyone that was there helped make this day so special...I'm feeling very loved!  Here are a few pictures from the shower...

My BEAUTIFUL Noah's Ark cake!  It tasted just as good as it looked too!

Me with my cake...still in awe of it!

A lion riding a diaper motorcycle, lol.   So cute, and different from the usual diaper cake.

All of Bean's gifts...we're off to a great start!!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I tried...

I told myself that I would not use this blog to vent about all of my frustrations with life.  That this would be as positive as I could make it, and it would be about my life with Bean. is messy.  Even with Bean, there will be bad days or set backs.  And today was no was a bad day. was a HORRIBLE day!

I've had some bad days lately, and the pregnancy hormones aren't helping much.   Stressing about the baby shower coming up, and all of my usual worries (money and my worthiness of being a mom) are always on my mind.  Missing my ex husband has also been pretty bad lately.  I mean, we were together for 15 I guess that's normal...right?  Anyway, back to has been pretty stressful lately as well.  When you have new managers taking over, you never know whats going to happen.  I knew to expect changes, but I guess I thought it would happen later...maybe while I was on maternity leave, or, wishful thinking, sometime next year.  I didn't expect all of these changes within a couple of weeks of the takeover.  And I say takeover because I know that they have been waiting to take over our department for a while.  I wont go into specifics about my job, but I will say that I've been mostly happy with it...until now.

My ex boss will tell you that I don't deal with change very well.  Its not that I don't like change, its that I need time to process it.  I don't like it thrust upon me, with no warnings.  I need to have time to think about it and figure out if its going to work for me or not.  Well, the new management team doesn't know about my process.  And I dare to say that they do not care either.  What I hate more than unexpected change, is the feeling of having NO control over it.  Did the new management team ask for my input?  No.  Did the new management team ask anyone in our group for input?  No.  Did the new management team see an opportunity to take over and make us conform, turning us into mindless drones, now that we have no manager to watch over us?  YES!!!  And I HATE IT!!  Ok enough on that...back to what I was coming to vent about.

So, with all the changes at work, I'm adding a new stress.  A stress that I do NOT need.  I cried several times today, and basically threw a fit in front of my new boss.  I'll blame that on my pregnancy hormones by the way.  Along with my other worries, I now need to add job security to my list.  Not only am I worried about job security, but now, the simple thing of being happy with my job is gone.  And it wasn't that long ago that I was not happy with my job, so that is still very fresh in my mind.  I do not want to go back to dreading having to go into work everyday, or crying on my way there because I feel trapped in a crappy job.  But like most people, I stuck it out because I needed the money.  And with Bean coming along, I REALLY need the money now.  And who wants to be the mom that hates their job so much, that the stress of it makes her take it out on the people around her?  So again...I feel trapped.  I feel like I have no control over any part of my life, and that really stresses me out.  And being stressed all the time worries me MORE because I don't know what its doing to Bean.  I want to protect him from everything, even from myself.  Unfortunately, these emotions of mine are not easily controlled...

Well, that's enough of that.  I just need to keep praying, and I'm sure God will help me get through this.  We've been talking everyday for the last couple of weeks, and I'm happy to have him back in my life...I just wish I could "let go" and let him take over so that I don't have to worry so much.  I guess that takes time...

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

My Bean is getting so Big!

I was looking at my ultrasound pictures the other day, and was amazed at how big and how developed Bean is now.  I saw the very first ultrasound, and immediately started tearing up.  He was my itty bitty Bean back fragile....and so...Bean like, lol.  Thats where his nickname came from...he looked like a little Bean.  

I had a check up yesterday, along with another ultrasound.  I am 30 weeks now, and everything looks good so far.  Bean was VERY active during the ultrasound, and just like the last time, the tech had a hard time getting what she needed because he wouldn't stay still, lol.  She did mention, however, that he is a bit on the big side.  So it looks like I may have a chunky Bean.  I guess we'll see...either way, I can't wait to meet him and finally hold him in my arms. <3 <3 <3

Here are some of my ultrasound pictures...

At 12 weeks...lookin like a Bean <3

At 19 weeks...sucking his thumb <3 <3

At 30 weeks...lookin like a chunky Bean <3 <3 <3

When I think about my Bean, my heart just swells up and I start to cry.  I've heard of the love of a child being so enormous your heart cant take it.  I now see what people mean, and he isn't even here yet!  I can only IMAGINE what he will be like, or how he'll look...either way, he has my whole heart now. 

Sunday, June 5, 2011

More new pics!!!

So I found this shirt on clearance, and my friends loved it.  I wasn't sure about the stripes at first.  I thought they may make me look bigger, and who needs that!??! was very comfy when I tried it on, and lately thats all I care about! Lol.  Anyway, so here I am...big belly and all.  Can you see my Beanie in there?!?  He's the real star! <3

Beanie and I

Yes...I did the cheesy heart with my hands...but isn't it cute?!!?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

My friends looove to make me do

My friends have been bugging me to take pics of me and my baby belly, but I've been putting it off.  Well, they love to make me do stuff, lol....especially when they think I'm just being hard headed (which is often).  Here are a few pics that we took after work one day.  It was windy so my hair had to stay in a pony tail, and it was HOT!!  If you zoom in, you may see the beads of sweat rolling down my face, lol.  Thanks to my photographers, Katie Mac and Fitz!
Loving my Bean