I tried...

I told myself that I would not use this blog to vent about all of my frustrations with life.  That this would be as positive as I could make it, and it would be about my life with Bean.  Well....life is messy.  Even with Bean, there will be bad days or set backs.  And today was no different...today was a bad day.  No...correction...today was a HORRIBLE day!

I've had some bad days lately, and the pregnancy hormones aren't helping much.   Stressing about the baby shower coming up, and all of my usual worries (money and my worthiness of being a mom) are always on my mind.  Missing my ex husband has also been pretty bad lately.  I mean, we were together for 15 years..so I guess that's normal...right?  Anyway, back to today...work has been pretty stressful lately as well.  When you have new managers taking over, you never know whats going to happen.  I knew to expect changes, but I guess I thought it would happen later...maybe while I was on maternity leave, or, wishful thinking, sometime next year.  I didn't expect all of these changes within a couple of weeks of the takeover.  And I say takeover because I know that they have been waiting to take over our department for a while.  I wont go into specifics about my job, but I will say that I've been mostly happy with it...until now.

My ex boss will tell you that I don't deal with change very well.  Its not that I don't like change, its that I need time to process it.  I don't like it thrust upon me, with no warnings.  I need to have time to think about it and figure out if its going to work for me or not.  Well, the new management team doesn't know about my process.  And I dare to say that they do not care either.  What I hate more than unexpected change, is the feeling of having NO control over it.  Did the new management team ask for my input?  No.  Did the new management team ask anyone in our group for input?  No.  Did the new management team see an opportunity to take over and make us conform, turning us into mindless drones, now that we have no manager to watch over us?  YES!!!  And I HATE IT!!  Ok enough on that...back to what I was coming to vent about.

So, with all the changes at work, I'm adding a new stress.  A stress that I do NOT need.  I cried several times today, and basically threw a fit in front of my new boss.  I'll blame that on my pregnancy hormones by the way.  Along with my other worries, I now need to add job security to my list.  Not only am I worried about job security, but now, the simple thing of being happy with my job is gone.  And it wasn't that long ago that I was not happy with my job, so that is still very fresh in my mind.  I do not want to go back to dreading having to go into work everyday, or crying on my way there because I feel trapped in a crappy job.  But like most people, I stuck it out because I needed the money.  And with Bean coming along, I REALLY need the money now.  And who wants to be the mom that hates their job so much, that the stress of it makes her take it out on the people around her?  So again...I feel trapped.  I feel like I have no control over any part of my life, and that really stresses me out.  And being stressed all the time worries me MORE because I don't know what its doing to Bean.  I want to protect him from everything, even from myself.  Unfortunately, these emotions of mine are not easily controlled...

Well, that's enough of that.  I just need to keep praying, and I'm sure God will help me get through this.  We've been talking everyday for the last couple of weeks, and I'm happy to have him back in my life...I just wish I could "let go" and let him take over so that I don't have to worry so much.  I guess that takes time...