This past Saturday was my baby shower, and it was BEAUTIFUL!!  First, I want to thank my best friend Nikki and my Mom for putting it together...they did a great job!

I'm still in shock actually...I remember stopping at one point and looking around at everyone that was there and thinking...this is MY baby shower...this is for me and MY baby!  They came for US!  I gave up hope so long ago, thinking that I'd never have a baby...that I'd never be the one having the baby shower.  I think that's part of the reason I was so worried about who would actually show up.  It just seemed so unreal.  But, most of my friends and family were there...almost everyone that I love.  Anyway, it was great....Bean got a lot of gifts!!

Everyone that was there helped make this day so special...I'm feeling very loved!  Here are a few pictures from the shower...

My BEAUTIFUL Noah's Ark cake!  It tasted just as good as it looked too!

Me with my cake...still in awe of it!

A lion riding a diaper motorcycle, lol.   So cute, and different from the usual diaper cake.

All of Bean's gifts...we're off to a great start!!

I tried...

I told myself that I would not use this blog to vent about all of my frustrations with life.  That this would be as positive as I could make it, and it would be about my life with Bean.  Well....life is messy.  Even with Bean, there will be bad days or set backs.  And today was no different...today was a bad day.  No...correction...today was a HORRIBLE day!

I've had some bad days lately, and the pregnancy hormones aren't helping much.   Stressing about the baby shower coming up, and all of my usual worries (money and my worthiness of being a mom) are always on my mind.  Missing my ex husband has also been pretty bad lately.  I mean, we were together for 15 years..so I guess that's normal...right?  Anyway, back to today...work has been pretty stressful lately as well.  When you have new managers taking over, you never know whats going to happen.  I knew to expect changes, but I guess I thought it would happen later...maybe while I was on maternity leave, or, wishful thinking, sometime next year.  I didn't expect all of these changes within a couple of weeks of the takeover.  And I say takeover because I know that they have been waiting to take over our department for a while.  I wont go into specifics about my job, but I will say that I've been mostly happy with it...until now.

My ex boss will tell you that I don't deal with change very well.  Its not that I don't like change, its that I need time to process it.  I don't like it thrust upon me, with no warnings.  I need to have time to think about it and figure out if its going to work for me or not.  Well, the new management team doesn't know about my process.  And I dare to say that they do not care either.  What I hate more than unexpected change, is the feeling of having NO control over it.  Did the new management team ask for my input?  No.  Did the new management team ask anyone in our group for input?  No.  Did the new management team see an opportunity to take over and make us conform, turning us into mindless drones, now that we have no manager to watch over us?  YES!!!  And I HATE IT!!  Ok enough on that...back to what I was coming to vent about.

So, with all the changes at work, I'm adding a new stress.  A stress that I do NOT need.  I cried several times today, and basically threw a fit in front of my new boss.  I'll blame that on my pregnancy hormones by the way.  Along with my other worries, I now need to add job security to my list.  Not only am I worried about job security, but now, the simple thing of being happy with my job is gone.  And it wasn't that long ago that I was not happy with my job, so that is still very fresh in my mind.  I do not want to go back to dreading having to go into work everyday, or crying on my way there because I feel trapped in a crappy job.  But like most people, I stuck it out because I needed the money.  And with Bean coming along, I REALLY need the money now.  And who wants to be the mom that hates their job so much, that the stress of it makes her take it out on the people around her?  So again...I feel trapped.  I feel like I have no control over any part of my life, and that really stresses me out.  And being stressed all the time worries me MORE because I don't know what its doing to Bean.  I want to protect him from everything, even from myself.  Unfortunately, these emotions of mine are not easily controlled...

Well, that's enough of that.  I just need to keep praying, and I'm sure God will help me get through this.  We've been talking everyday for the last couple of weeks, and I'm happy to have him back in my life...I just wish I could "let go" and let him take over so that I don't have to worry so much.  I guess that takes time...

My Bean is getting so Big!

I was looking at my ultrasound pictures the other day, and was amazed at how big and how developed Bean is now.  I saw the very first ultrasound, and immediately started tearing up.  He was my itty bitty Bean back then...so small...so fragile....and so...Bean like, lol.  Thats where his nickname came from...he looked like a little Bean.  

I had a check up yesterday, along with another ultrasound.  I am 30 weeks now, and everything looks good so far.  Bean was VERY active during the ultrasound, and just like the last time, the tech had a hard time getting what she needed because he wouldn't stay still, lol.  She did mention, however, that he is a bit on the big side.  So it looks like I may have a chunky Bean.  I guess we'll see...either way, I can't wait to meet him and finally hold him in my arms. <3 <3 <3

Here are some of my ultrasound pictures...

At 12 weeks...lookin like a Bean <3

At 19 weeks...sucking his thumb <3 <3

At 30 weeks...lookin like a chunky Bean <3 <3 <3

When I think about my Bean, my heart just swells up and I start to cry.  I've heard of the love of a child being so enormous your heart cant take it.  I now see what people mean, and he isn't even here yet!  I can only IMAGINE what he will be like, or how he'll look...either way, he has my whole heart now. 

I had no idea...

Who knew that day cares were SO expensive???  Ok, so I had heard that they were expensive, but jeeze...I didn't expect it to equal almost a whole other mortgage payment!  My mother, being the excited grandmother that she is, started looking at day cares one day while I was at work.  The several that she checked were chain day cares, and they were all pretty close to home.  I could not believe the prices they quoted her!!  The average is $200 a week...how am I suppose to afford that?!?  After my divorce, I kept the house that we had bought together.  I use to be proud of being single with a house...paying my own way, taking care of myself.  I had to work a lot of overtime to make it, but I did it.  Now with a baby coming, I'm not so sure that its wise to keep it.  Unfortunately, the housing market is still not good, so I'm almost positive I cant sell it, at least not without losing money on it.  So, one option would be to leave it and take the hit to my credit, which by the way is excellent.  It almost makes me sick to think about the hard work I put into keeping my credit good just so I can throw it all away.  Anyway, the second option would be to have my mom move in with me.  She would either have to rent her home or try to sell it.  I'm 32 years old, having my first baby... I'm not sure how I feel about living with my mom again.

Well, I still have about 3 months left of my pregnancy, and then a few months of maternity leave.  I guess I have some time to figure it out....I just hope the answer comes to me soon!

Worrying is kinda my thing...

I try not to worry...I try to let things go, and just hope for the best.  But sometimes that doesn't work.  I know that worrying and stress aren't good for Bean.  In fact, all my worrying makes me worry about what I'm doing to him in there!  Anyway, I know that once I have him...once he's in my arms and I'm in charge of his little life, the worrying is going to really take off.  So, to any parents out there who were worriers before they had children, how do you manage to keep your sanity through parenthood?  Does it get any easier over the years, or will there always be something to worry about??  I always thought that I'd have my husband there to help keep me sane...to keep me from driving our kids crazy, lol.  Oh well...guess I need to figure this out on my own.

I think instead of sitting here worrying, I'm going to take Bean for a drive...grandma is working, so we'll have some time alone. :)