Are you ready??

I've been getting this question almost everyday from different people.  Are you ready??  And my answer always surprises them....no.  Am I suppose to be ready now??  I guess if they were more specific, then maybe my answer would change.  Maybe I should explain...

If you asked me, am I ready to meet my son, the answer would be YES!!  If you asked me if I was ready to go on leave and spend 3 months with him?  Hell YES!  But, when they ask, I feel as if its a question of...Are you ready for taking on the most important and difficult role of your life???  Well, the answer is NO!  Are you ready to change your whole life around for this one little person??  Well...I'd probably say yes to that one, with only a few reservations, lol.  Either way though, I have a lot of mixed feelings right now.  I'm soooo excited to meet my son, and see what he looks like and what his personality will be like.  I imagine it's like meeting the love of your life for the first time....who wouldn't be excited?  I'm also excited to finally feel like I belong to someone who needs me...like I matter.  I know that sounds sad and depressing, but its how I feel.  I'm sure if you know me personally, you understand.  

So, how do I mentally prepare for this?  How do I get myself ready for the most important role of my life???  I have NO idea....I just keep hoping that one day I will feel ready to take it on.  Don't get me wrong, I want to take this role on!  I've been waiting for this for the last 12 years or so.  I've thought about why I wasn't scared when I was trying to get pregnant while I was married.  I guess knowing there is someone there with you helps you feel a bit more secure.  Like you can both handle anything that comes your way.  But being a single parent, you feel like all the pressure is on you, and you alone.  I guess I'm just scared...scared of failing him.  I'm scared of letting him down, and not being enough for him.  I want to be the best mom I can be, and I'm scared he will see through me.  I want to be strong for him, and give him what he needs.  I want to be there for him no matter what, and always put him first.  I want to make sure that he always knows that he is loved and that he matters.  I guess I will just have to take it one step at a time, and try to do my best.   I just hope my best is enough...

For now, he will have ALL my love....

36 weeks = 9 months!!

Today I am 36 weeks, which is about 9 months pregnant...wow!!  I have less than 30 days to my due date, and maybe less than that if Beanie decides to show up early.  Of course, he could decide to show up later too, lol.  Some people have questioned me being 9 months already...if your 9 months, shouldn't you be having the baby already?!?!?  The answer is no...I have completed 8 months of pregnancy, and am starting my 9th month.  Once I complete my 9th month, thats when the baby is fully "baked", and is due lol.  So technically, women carry baby's for up to 10 months, or 40 weeks as the Dr's put it.

Here is some interesting info regarding the baby at 36 weeks:

- The baby is about 6 lbs, between 18-20 inches long.
- His skull and most of his bones will remain soft, making it easier to pass through the birth canal.
- Most of his systems (from circulatory to musculoskeletal) are ready, though his digestion system wont kick into gear until he takes his first suckle at the breast or bottle.
- My hormones are causing the connective tissue in my body to soften and loosen.  This is going to help the baby squeeze through the pelvic bones, which will be more flexible.  The downside of this joint flexibility is discomfort in the pelvis and hip area.  I feel that!!!  No wonder its hurting a lot more to get around...
- Frequent heartburn, urination, gas, increased swelling of the feet, hands and face (?!?), and difficulty sleeping.  Great!

Those are some of the great things I'm going through for now...of course Bean is worth all the discomfort and pain.  He's worth so much more...

36 Weeks

Update to the I Love Thrifting Party

First, I want to apologize for not having more updates to my blog lately...unfortunately, during the week I am way too exhausted to even get on my lap top.  I guess thats normal with being almost 9 months pregnant!!

So, the party was AWESOME!  My friend Katie Mac did a great job of putting together a great little party at one of her favorite boutiques.  It wasn't your usual thrift store, but more of a high end consignment store.  The owner of A Perfect Fit Resale Boutique was really nice for letting us have our first get together at her shop.  Katie Mac provided some wine for those that could indulge, and a fruit and cheese tray that I willingly attacked, lol.  The shop provided some great finds for the smaller peeps in our group...unfortunately, they don't carry plus size items.  The brands she carries though are mostly high end name brands, so I would probably go back just to try and snag a nice purse or something.  The other shop that was involved was a few doors down, and it was specifically for kids.  The shop, Clothes for Kids Resale, was also great.  I made it a point to go down and visit with the owner and her shop cat Smokey, lol.  I did find a hoodie for Bean, so that was nice.  Unfortunately, she had more girl clothing than boy clothing though, so that's all I found.  But that seems to be the norm everywhere, lol.  I guess boys fashions are not as popular...

Katie Mac...always posing and smiling!

A Cat in the Hat onesie that Katie Mac bought for Bean!  So cute!!!  Thanks Katie Mac!

I had to find somewhere to sit...the stairs had to do!

Some of the girls that showed up to support Katie Mac..they even did their own T-Shirts!!
Luci from Strictli Hair, Joycelyn, Angelica, Shandha, and Michelle from Fitz Chronicles

I had to show the Wine and Snack table!!  I hovered over it for a while, lol

Katie Mac did a great job, and EVERYONE is waiting for her next thrifting party!  Can't wait for the next Mac Styles event!

I love Thrifting Party today!!

As a little girl, my mom would take us to thrift stores and garage sales to look for clothes.  Being a single mother of two, she was doing what she had too to make ends meet.  As much as I understand that now, I use to hate it when I was a kid!  Other than the occasional $1 toy, I would always feel "less than" my other friends.  As an adult, I've held on to that idea for a while.  Other than maybe a passed down piece of furniture, I hated the idea of wearing someone else's clothes or shoes.  Not just because it was used, but because I would think a little further into it...what if that person's "bad luck" passed on to me with their clothes?  Like, somehow a piece of that person's soul came along with the $2 pair of jeans.  Lol, I know that sounds crazy, but I seriously felt that way!  This all changed a few years ago...

About 4 years ago, I became a vegetarian (which I gave up 4 months into my pregnancy due to uncontrollable cravings for beef!).  While I was only concerned with my health at the beginning, I learned about all of the GREAT reasons to not consume animal meat products.  One of them was due to the environmental impacts it had on our great planet Earth.  This of course opened my eyes to the impact humans have on the planet, so I started looking for ways to reduce my ecological footprint.  This brought on buying a home that was energy efficient, using energy saving light bulbs, recycling, unplugging unused appliances, buying less, etc., etc.  Another great way to help save the Earth???  Buying used products when available.  In today's world, we're taught to BUY BUY BUY!!  Consumerism has taken most people into a world of debt, and most of the time its just to keep up with the Jones's.  But it doesn't only have an impact on our wallets, it also has an impact on our world!  When we buy everything new, all the time, we are creating more and more waste.  Our landfills are full of waste that causes environmental concerns of all types...pollution of the soil, water, air...I could keep going, but I wont. Enough ranting, let me get back to my point, lol.

A couple years ago, my friend Katie Mac took me to a thrift store.  Even with my intentions of leaving a lighter footprint on this Earth than most, I was still not convinced I wanted to wear someone else's clothes!  But, she has a way of being persuasive, lol.  So I tagged along, thinking I would find NOTHING I wanted.  This was not the case of course...I found so much great stuff, that it completely changed my mind of what thrift stores are all about.  Thrifting is my new friend!  Especially with a baby on the way, and being a single mom.  

Anyway, there is so much more that I want to say, but I don't have time!  I have to go get ready for my friends I <3 Thrifting party!!  I will post again after the party to let everyone know how it went!

TheMacStyles Thrifting Party!!

Just a quick update

It seems like I haven't posted in forever, so I just wanted to post a quick update.  Unfortunately, I've been sick for the past week.  It started out as just a dry cough.  Then it turned into a full on cough...then more allergies to add to it.  I went to the Dr Monday, and they said they couldn't give me anything because there was no infection.  So, I went into work Tuesday thinking I was fine....well, I got worse.  Now, I've been home most of the week, and its gotten to the point where it is an infection.  I'm on antibiotics now,and I'm hoping that any little fever I get here and there doesn't get too high.  I made it through almost my whole pregnancy not taking any medication...I never even took aspirin for any of my headaches or pain.  And now I'm on antibiotics....oh well.  It's better that I don't let this get out of hand...I'm already worried about what Bean is going through in there, I don't want to put him at risk if I get a fever.

Other than that, I had my work baby shower last Friday, and that went great.  Not many people showed up, but this was the day I really started feeling sick, so it was probably better.  I do better with small groups anyway.  I haven't done much else while at home.  I keep thinking about all the stuff I need to do, but since I don't feel good, I just lay around taking occasional naps.

Hope everyone has a good holiday weekend.  I wont get to celebrate much, but maybe someone can eat some BBQ for me.  :)

This past Saturday was my baby shower, and it was BEAUTIFUL!!  First, I want to thank my best friend Nikki and my Mom for putting it together...they did a great job!

I'm still in shock actually...I remember stopping at one point and looking around at everyone that was there and thinking...this is MY baby shower...this is for me and MY baby!  They came for US!  I gave up hope so long ago, thinking that I'd never have a baby...that I'd never be the one having the baby shower.  I think that's part of the reason I was so worried about who would actually show up.  It just seemed so unreal.  But, most of my friends and family were there...almost everyone that I love.  Anyway, it was great....Bean got a lot of gifts!!

Everyone that was there helped make this day so special...I'm feeling very loved!  Here are a few pictures from the shower...

My BEAUTIFUL Noah's Ark cake!  It tasted just as good as it looked too!

Me with my cake...still in awe of it!

A lion riding a diaper motorcycle, lol.   So cute, and different from the usual diaper cake.

All of Bean's gifts...we're off to a great start!!

I tried...

I told myself that I would not use this blog to vent about all of my frustrations with life.  That this would be as positive as I could make it, and it would be about my life with Bean.  Well....life is messy.  Even with Bean, there will be bad days or set backs.  And today was no different...today was a bad day.  No...correction...today was a HORRIBLE day!

I've had some bad days lately, and the pregnancy hormones aren't helping much.   Stressing about the baby shower coming up, and all of my usual worries (money and my worthiness of being a mom) are always on my mind.  Missing my ex husband has also been pretty bad lately.  I mean, we were together for 15 years..so I guess that's normal...right?  Anyway, back to today...work has been pretty stressful lately as well.  When you have new managers taking over, you never know whats going to happen.  I knew to expect changes, but I guess I thought it would happen later...maybe while I was on maternity leave, or, wishful thinking, sometime next year.  I didn't expect all of these changes within a couple of weeks of the takeover.  And I say takeover because I know that they have been waiting to take over our department for a while.  I wont go into specifics about my job, but I will say that I've been mostly happy with it...until now.

My ex boss will tell you that I don't deal with change very well.  Its not that I don't like change, its that I need time to process it.  I don't like it thrust upon me, with no warnings.  I need to have time to think about it and figure out if its going to work for me or not.  Well, the new management team doesn't know about my process.  And I dare to say that they do not care either.  What I hate more than unexpected change, is the feeling of having NO control over it.  Did the new management team ask for my input?  No.  Did the new management team ask anyone in our group for input?  No.  Did the new management team see an opportunity to take over and make us conform, turning us into mindless drones, now that we have no manager to watch over us?  YES!!!  And I HATE IT!!  Ok enough on that...back to what I was coming to vent about.

So, with all the changes at work, I'm adding a new stress.  A stress that I do NOT need.  I cried several times today, and basically threw a fit in front of my new boss.  I'll blame that on my pregnancy hormones by the way.  Along with my other worries, I now need to add job security to my list.  Not only am I worried about job security, but now, the simple thing of being happy with my job is gone.  And it wasn't that long ago that I was not happy with my job, so that is still very fresh in my mind.  I do not want to go back to dreading having to go into work everyday, or crying on my way there because I feel trapped in a crappy job.  But like most people, I stuck it out because I needed the money.  And with Bean coming along, I REALLY need the money now.  And who wants to be the mom that hates their job so much, that the stress of it makes her take it out on the people around her?  So again...I feel trapped.  I feel like I have no control over any part of my life, and that really stresses me out.  And being stressed all the time worries me MORE because I don't know what its doing to Bean.  I want to protect him from everything, even from myself.  Unfortunately, these emotions of mine are not easily controlled...

Well, that's enough of that.  I just need to keep praying, and I'm sure God will help me get through this.  We've been talking everyday for the last couple of weeks, and I'm happy to have him back in my life...I just wish I could "let go" and let him take over so that I don't have to worry so much.  I guess that takes time...